a playlist in progress

Open my notes on iPhone to see a note titled: “How to explain myself” inside I find a lot of space and random punctuation.

whatshouldwecallme:

Hungry hungry

defactochicago:

The first 5 minutes were always like:

Ooo! Arguments about standing!!

Then hearing the attorneys defending Prop 8 & DOMA…

But then Justice Sotomayor dove in with her questions right away…

And when Justice Ginsberg chimed in with her “skim milk” analogy discussing unequal benefits:

ANY TIME SCALIA SPEAKS:

When it was over:

And really, by the end of all this, the lawyer in me stepped aside, and all I had left to say was:

And P.S., Justice Kennedy:

I wonder if I just don’t look very ambitious…
Today my coworker was asking me about my grad school applications. She asked me how everything was going and I told her I was still waiting on a few schools before making a final decision. She was super sweet and said she was happy for me, which I thought was so nice since most people love to try and talk me out of it. Later she was talking to a client and says “Guess what this young woman is doing in the and the client says “getting married?” and she says “No going to law school.”

Maybe it’s just my age or the fact that my job doesn’t seem very glamorous, but I was so disappointed someone (and most people for that matter) guess that the most exciting thing that would happen in my life right now would revolve around marriage rather than I don’t know…self-improvement. Le sigh. This world has a long way to go…

Babies are gross and full of poo…tential…. On the anniversary of when I came into this world screaming and writhing like a maniac, I’ve decided to honor that date by doing much of what I had been doing in my first few moments.

Why be writhing and seething like a crazed oxygen-deprived little monster? Because people love to tell me what the -bleep- to do with my life. And that enrages me.

Let me use a hypothetical. Say I wanted to be a bus driver. Very earnestly wanted to because of what I believed was a noble job that I could be happy doing and do well. I know I like driving and working with people. I believe I could, with the proper licensees, operate a bus safely and well enough to maintain a happy environment for all the riders. Also once I have my commercial drivers license a world of possibilities could open up to me. I could drive school buses, limos, or taxis. But people judge bus drivers. They think ughhhhh bus drivers are so unpleasant why would you want to do that? Maybe because I think it would make me happy. And they’d say well you won’t even make that much money doing it. Oh okay I’d say, good thing money does not make me happy and I just need enough to live. And these people would go on and on about how being a bus driver is a huge mistake. Blahblahblah they’d say! The bus driving market doesn’t look so good. It’s hard to get a job as a bus driver and I would say duh I realize that I haven’t committed to my bus driving idea all willy nilly but after getting my CDL I’m not limited to only bus driving. I would tell them to open their minds. With a CDL who knows if only want to settle for being a bus driver? What if I went onto working for the department of transportation or truck driving?! But the people who judge and so freely give me unsolicited advice will not listen. I’m sorry they are so angry an unhappy their bus driving dreams did not pan out. But I am not them. And maybe my bus driving dreams also will not pan out but maybe no dreams ever pan out. We don’t discourage pre-med students from attempting to be great doctors, so why bus drivers? And for that matter, why any ambitions we find unsavory or unlucrative. I feel sometimes aspiring teachers have it worse than I do. People always telling them there’s no money in that profession and no jobs anyway. But I doubt those students do it for the money. They aren’t deaf, they know what they are committing to, they are probably just sick of hearing it and just want to do what’s right and what they love and are good at.

Once I was at a soccer game watching some friends play and a high school senior was watching her older brother. She started talking to me and I asked her about what college she wanted to go to and what major she was considering. This girl was so nice and polite and driven. She really wanted to be a teacher and was going to UMichigan and I swear I could not be anything but happy for her because she was just so happy. I want(ed) her to be a teacher because she so earnestly wanted it for herself and I thought wow she’s the kind of teacher I want my nieces and nephews to have. Someone bright and motivated to work with kids because she loved doing it. And it was so sad to hear her, almost apologetically, say she knew everyone says you don’t make any money. How terrible that she had had to arm herself against those remarks. How awful people would want to deter a potentially great teacher because they thought she might be swayed by something as shallow as a paycheck. I have had the privilege of having great teachers. Ones like her that just either loved kids or loved the subject they were so knowledgeable in that they wanted to share it. I know teachers who were so great at teaching and taught in the unglamorous public school system, but they were good and did good by teaching others and caring about students. And I’m sorry if any of them ever had to defend their profession.

So angrily I shout to tumblr like a maniac. Dear people feel free to stop telling us what to do and what not to do. We already know and are not doing things in spite of your vast knowledge and warnings. We have honestly thought it through. And I hope that I never speak ill of aspiring bus drivers and teachers and bartenders and librarians and senators and dancers and nurses and Olympic champions. I hope everyone who aspires to do anything does get to do something they love. I hope even when they change course in life they are happy. I never want to give advice I wasn’t asked for. And even when asked I hope I don’t doubt them to their face just so that in 1 or 5 or 10 years I’m proven wrong and they have become exactly the awesome person they wanted to be. I hope I encourage people and that more of us encourage ourselves and each other. Because isn’t that what we do when someone new comes into this world screaming and crying and all gross and mandrake-esq?! We give them all the chance and support we can so that they can be great and awesome some day. We put all our hope and dreams onto them and we want them to succeed. So today, I would like people to treat me or at least think of me the way they did 25 years ago, like they had hope I’d be great or amazing or at least like I have potential to do good…even if it is just as a bus driver .

I might be a snail…but I’m a snail with s&@! To do!

I think I am the kind of girl that is familiar…all too familiar with soul crushing rejection. I do that terrible thing where I take it so damn personally. I like to analyze over and over again where I went wrong and why I suck so much that this would happen to me if all people. And that is why I know not to brag about all the amazing, cry-your-eyes-out, life changing great things. This is me not bragging and not being specific. Its just me reminding myself that while awful things happen and I get sad, I am one luck SOB because good things happen to.

Goods things that are NOT omg I’m engaged/pregnant/in possession of girl scout cookies/winning an oscar/about to catch a plane to Paris. This is a different (dare I say better) kind of thing. At least for girls like me.